So, um yeah…. I love to write. I love to share. I love to talk. But lately (as you may or may not have noticed) I have not exactly been doing any of the aforementioned via this lovely new venture of mine known as a blog. My close friends, especially my lovely almost 14-year-old daughter, have gone from the occasional, “hey, when’s your next post?” to the more direct, “You need to write a blog post!” or “So, what’s up with your blog?” All very loving, concerned inquiries into my rather apparent absence from this rather new pursuit I had chosen for myself.
Well, here I am. It’s Wednesday night, well at least for 20 more minutes on the east coast, and I am finally opening this lovely “Add New Post” screen to type, to think, to share. I think my friends may be on to something about writing since, well, I had to actually go find my password for my own blog. Guess I’m glad WordPress didn’t just lock me out for attempting to break in. Yeah, not so bueno.
In all honesty, too many things have transpired since my last post. The most obvious is that Spring is totally over and Summer has arrived. My kids have been taking the Stanford Test all week and will be “officially” done with 3rd, 4th, and 8th grade tomorrow. Holy cow. I just homeschooled three children for the first time. We learned (okay, I learned) A LOT this year including the undeniable steep learning curve of entering into the homeschool realm as an ex-college instructor who tends to sleep in, hates lesson plans, and generally struggles with planning and executing plans. Vision? Ideas? Delegating? I’m your gal. News flash: those three things barely scratch the surface of what is needed to accomplish schooling your children. We all survived. We all learned (I’m pretty sure of that). But most of all, I just spent an entire school year with my kids pretty much all of the time…and I liked it.
You see I was always the parent that needed a break. I never cried at school drop offs. I may have lingered, made sure they got settled in, took a pic, but then I headed straight to Panera, Starbucks, or Target and basked in my freedom and solitude after a summer of…the opposite of solitude with a side of whining thrown in about something called “boring.” Although honestly, the last two or three summers I was sad to see them head off for 7 hours a day, then activities and homework. As my children got older, they were more enjoyable. Frankly, summers were fun, my kids were fun. I now see how someone would choose voluntarily to be with their kids most of the time rather than have them away significantly more than they are with their parents. If you aren’t there yet, trust me they really do get more fun as they grow older. I have a whole post (maybe book) about the realization that our oldest turns 14 in two weeks which I do believe (since I do teach math now) gives us exactly 4…FOUR years left to train her up to enter into this world on her own two feet, one mind, and one soul. That, my friend is exciting and frightening all in itself. But, truthfully once they hit about 1st-2nd grade and up they really became so much fun and fun to be around. So if you have a sassy three-year old or a newborn that apparently can sleep through a train, vacuum, and banging pots and pans but not through the night…there is hope for fun, laughter, independence, and fun…I know I said that twice because they will be twice the fun. Just saying.
So, school is wrapping up. I also had to fly “home” for a week last month to be with my grandfather after my grandmother passed away. Yes, MY grandmother. My grandfather is 88 and my grandmother was 84 on my mom’s side of the family. I am 37 (38 come September). So you can do the math and realize my mom and her mom tended to have babies young. But this has allowed my own children to know their great-grandparents, which is actually a huge blessing because my “Big Grandpa” as we called him (Grandpa Ed to my kiddos now) is my side of the family’s rock…the rock of sanity and humor. There is another book, about…right…here about my family which I will share with you as time goes by, but needless to say my grandmother and mother did not have the greatest character traits or most level headedness at many times. Honestly, I’m pretty sure my grandma suffered from some form of anxiety and I know my mom is manic bi-polar with several hospitalizations to confirm that diagnosis. So my grandpa is God’s gift to my brother and I growing up as a belly of laughs and heart of gold. Yes, I am glad my children know him and although my grandmother had her flaws, her servant heart and love for people ran through her entire life and continues to leave a mark upon so many lives and hearts as her own special legacy.
So, yup kinda busy with family, funeral, and flying (and driving a lot too all over Arizona). Then I also just happen to be running another half-marathon this Saturday. As in holy cow…I am racing 13.1 miles in just about 54 hours from now. I’ve had a pretty good training season with a great running buddy, Janice, who is going to run her first half that day. Her excitement and joy has been a blast to be a part of and probably needs to wear off on me a little bit more. I’m kind of a grumpy runner, but she’s been patient with me despite my sometimes lack of verbal contributions on long runs. This will be my third half-marathon and hope the weird terrain and downhill plus two uphills at the very end still allow me to hit a new PR. Oh, and the start time is at 6:01am (like the title says… Downhill at DAWN) so that could impact my alertness and my body’s willingness to start moving that dang early…but a PR would be pretty rad (sorry that is a freebie inside joke for Janice, I no longer, nor think I ever, used the word “rad” in a sentence before).
So, I also have been running…more than a normal person. But that doesn’t really address the title of this post…or the actual real void of posts over the last several weeks. What I have concluded is that many times I knew I “should” post, but I had nothing to say in those moments. My soul, my brain, my body had not given me something worthy of typing it here, sharing it with you, then heaven forbid it be in cyber world for, like, eternity. Then that quickly became, what IS worthy to write here? What is going on in my spirit or my life that deserves such highlight of accomplishment or spotlight of self-discovery or growth? Well, that needless to say drew me pretty blank, pretty easily.
I have been busy. Oh, you too? Thank goodness you understand.
But, you see I realized that my busyness, my lack of self-reflection, my numbness to much around me was not okay. If I told you I came to this epiphany within the last 24 hours, please don’t judge or condemn, pretty please? Because, as my faith, my time with Jesus, my reading and knowing His Word gets replaced with obligations, travel, school, end-of-year events (MERCY), house stuff, yard stuff, parenting stuff…well the me, the self-reflection, the soul connection begins to fade. And fade it did.
Thankfully I started a blog before that so you all got to see me fade into the oblivion of the season from Spring to Summer–I guess I should get some credit for warning you at least that these last three months are brutal to all parents, they just are. But it does not excuse the survivor numbness I have felt the last few weeks that created distance between me and my Savior.
So, yeah. I told you I was starting a blog. Got all fired up. Named my calling–which DO know this writing/communicating is still it for me baby. Got you hooked into maybe subscribing to my blog or even following it on Facebook. Then, poof. Guess what? I became real to you and to this internet blogosphere. Because I experienced what many of us do when life gets full. I don’t doubt God’s presence during these several life/family events, yet I do acknowledge my role in being in His presence…and that is where the rubber meets the road for me. So the blog, the calling drew silent. My race slowed, even stopped. I didn’t forfeit or turn around, I kinda just sat down for a little spell while all of life’s craziness spun around me.
Where are you on your race?
How is your spiritual endurance holding up through this hectic time of recitals, plays, graduations, teacher gifts, parties, end of year testing?
Where do you find rest and centeredness when the days seem to spin into oblivion and the day is over before you felt like you ever got a good start?
I, myself, first let my core friends and hubby know I was struggling, it may have only been last night, but hey I did. Now I’m letting you know. Next, is choosing to walk to act not just wish or think or plan…but DO (you’re welcome, honey…more inside comments, this one if for my loving husband).
What’s next for me is still finishing the last test tomorrow morning, clean our house for a work party, prep the food for said party, drive to North Carolina Friday, run 13.1 miles Saturday, then Sunday send my husband off for more Army work right about the same alarm time as Saturday. Plus give or take another 20-100 things that may or may not get accomplished in the next four days. But what WILL happen is IF:Equip every morning…including the journaling…and prayers, probably lots of them. And maybe another blog post that won’t take an eon to be prompted from my heart to the screen to you.
Thanks for reading, you rock.